it’s crazy what happens in life. i mean, i used to hear about all the people who committed suicide and i thought like, wow what stupid people to do that to themselves. now i’m sitting here thinking, well why not? there’s nothing good in life, nothing good in me, so why bother anymore? i don’t feel happy, i don’t even feel sad, i just feel nothing. nothing at all. i feel like i’m dead already and like i have no one to live for. i know it’s not true, but i just feel like no one cares about me. i could sit here every night and have other people telling me they care over and over but i would never believe it. it just feels strange to live now. it feels like i’m not really here, i’m just a figment of my own and other peoples imaginations. like i was made up to make other people feel better about themselves. 

i’m over pretending like i enjoy my life, like i’m happy, like i do want to be here, i just can’t do it anymore. i need a way out, a way to be somewhere that i can actually be happy, be free, be alive. the only way out i can think of right now is suicide. it’s been in my mind all day today, and the thought of it just keeps getting stronger and stronger. i’m too tired of making people unhappy, and making people feel as if they can help me, when no one can. i will never be happy. not until i’m dead.

life just has no meaning for me anymore, i don’t feel anything - not happiness or sadness or anything, and i would rather feel that then nothing, then at least it would feel like i’m actually alive. 

everything would just be easier for me if i were dead.